Never alone

I know that I am never alone thru this journey I am on. I always have the Lords guidance and strength to lean on. I don't have doubt about my relationship with him and the changes that have taken place since the day I accepted him into my life.

While I continue to walk at the Lords side, I am also having to admit that I need some outside help too. I can not carry the gravity of my loss and continue to support others without it. I am not ashamed or regretful to admit it. I'm taking steps to help myself before my relationships/health/mind become truly affected by my denial.

I chose to leave my marriage because I was miserable and unhappy. If I wanted to continue to live that way, I should have stayed in it. You don't leave misery to live with misery. I need to remember that this is my second chance...I need to get my ass in gear and make the most of it. So I'm stepping up and "investing" in my future...one day at a time with baby steps.

Continue to pray for myself and my family. We are all still healing.

faith patience and hope.....all will be good in the end.

I really miss you dad.

A beautiful day

We are having such a beautiful day today.  I almost feel bad for enjoying it, as other parts of the country are being hit with such devastating weather.  I'm grateful and blessed to be sitting out on a bench wearing a tank top and shorts in 79 degree weather. 

The past 2 weeks have been mentally hard for me.  I remind myself what is important in life and i know what those things are.   But at times I still find myself struggling to accept what has taken place and continues to in my life.  Everyday I ask for guidance and patience from the Lord .  He always answers my prayers.  I'm fortunate to have him to turn to at all times of the day.  He never disappoints or judges.  Accepts me for the imperfect person that I am and loves me unconditionally.  I have learned a lot the past 9 months of my life.  Thank You for the lessons learned.

Happy 49th anniversary to my mom and dad.  I know she misses him greatly.  I pray that the Lord will help her through this.  He ultimately is the only one who can. 

I miss you dad.

faith, patience and hope....all will be good in the end.

10 weeks later

  My life has changed many ways since 2011 arrived.  Many different ways than I originally thought they would, and all out of my control.  So here we are 10 weeks since the passing of my dad.  Realizing that time heals in a slow way.  My mom and I talk about my dad, as do my daughter and I.  Same things are said in different conversations....that we really miss him.  My mom is adjusting to losing the love of her life, her companion and longtime best friend.  My daughter and I are adjusting to losing our dad/poppy who we assumed would be around for a much longer time.  We took for granted our time with him and lessons he taught us. 

I wish he could physically see the changes my life has gone through the past 10 weeks.  I'm sure he would be proud and relieved at the way I have handled myself and the outcome of decisions I have made.  I hope I have made him smile his "squinty smile" as he watches over the 11 of us from the heavens above.

This past week I closed escrow on the house that I owned with my estranged husband.  It was a big relief to finally have it close and be done with that portion of my divorce.  I'm grateful for the outcome and for chosing to do what's right.  Again I was reminded that the best blessings in life, are things that  you can't put a price tag on, because they are just priceless. 

I'm thankful for my relationship with the Lord.  I'm grateful for the family I have and for the people in my life.  I'm ready to move on and start finding out who I am and what I'm made of.  I want to blossom to the person I am destined to be. 

I love and miss you dad. 

faith, patience and hope....all will be good in the end.

Happy Birthday dad

Today would have been my dad's 77th birthday.  I wish he were here to celebrate with us.  We went to lunch to acknowledge his day.  My lil ms. b kept saying...today's poppy's birthday.  Poppy's party.  She is the cutest thing and she kept us smiling and laughing with her cute lil girl antics.   My dad was with us in spirit and I know he watches over us through the Lord.

Today has been a hard day for us and for me.  i will always look toward the Lord for his strength and comfort.  And encourage others to do so too.

Happy Birthday dad....We love and miss you. 

faith patience and hope...all will be good in the end.

coming up on 9 weeks

We are coming up on the 9 week mark that our patriarch passed away.  We tell each other..."one day at a time".  We are doing the best we can to adjust.  But I can see that when we truly look at each other, we are all missing my dad.  We have an emptiness in our eyes and hearts.  We are all trying to be strong and know that only time....along with the Lord,  will eventually heal us.

My mom and I survived our trip to Hawaii. We saw a rainbow almost everyday of our trip.  We stayed busy and really kept each other occupied.  We both are very strong women and we feed off each other when one is feeling down.  We will continue to move forward and give our strength to my daughter and other family members who may need it too.

I am continuing to attend class every Friday.  I have moved into my own place and have my 2 dogs with  me.  My oldest son has chosen to not move with me at this time.  He feels his time right now is to be spent with my mom, and continue to live with her.  We are all very concerned for her and don't really feel shes ready to be by herself.  I'm proud of him to take on the responsibility to watch over her.  Not what a normal 23 year old would do.  I know my dad would be proud of him too.


faith patience and hope....all will be good in the end.

I miss my dad.

He's not coming home

It's been 4 weeks since my dad passed away. It's hard to put into words what the past 4 weeks have been like. Shock for the most part. Then busy preparing for his service, while still being in shock. Visiting with out-of-town relatives and eating a lot. I think we ate, to comfort ourselves from grief. Then relatives left and we said our goodbyes...to them and to my dad. And all the while, It never really felt like my dad had died. I felt like he was on one of his 3 week long trips to Hawaii and would be returning soon.

Well...I realized today, after booking a trip for my mom and I to go to Hawaii, that my dad is not coming home. He's passed on. It is finally hitting me that I have lost my father and I truly miss him. This trip to Hawaii is going to be a hard one for my mom and I. We will be returning to the condo they own, to take care of a few things. It's going be heartwrenching for her to return to a place that she and my dad spent a lot of time at. Many happy times and good memories. I will continue to support her and give her the strength she needs to make it through this trip. I will in turn, get my strength from the Lord, who has been carrying me without fail, through this tragic time. He continues to answer my prayers and to teach me about patience. I will continue to rely on him fully for my everyday prayers and needs.

Please pray for my mom and I, as we take this trip. Pray that we remember happier times, more so than sadder times.

I miss my dad more than words can say. I realize now he's not coming home and I am starting to feel the grieving process coming my way. I hope I can still be of comfort and strength to my mom as I now grieve for a man who made sure we knew the importance of family.


faith patience and hope...all will be good in the end

my dad

rest in peace dad. We love you.

faith patience and hope...all will be good in the end.

The fighter my dad is

The last 6 days have been quite emotional and upheaving as one can imagine while dealing with the decline in a loved ones health. As posted before, we made the tough decision to put my dad on a ventilator, which in turn has probably saved his life. As the next couple of days unfolded, we saw him struggling when everyday procedures needed to be done on him. Sometimes having to see him try to gasp for air and calm down from anxiety for up to 50 mins. He was having to be sedated during these episodes to help calm him down. Which having him sedated the majority of the day was not what the dr wanted. So after speaking with my mom and brother, I expressed to the dr we wanted my dad to be as comfortable as possible and we would like him to have a traecheotomy. He would still need the ventilator, but no tubes in the mouth and down the throat. Just an incision under the Adams apple and a tube placed there. That was done last night...lil under 20 hours after asking the dr to do the procedure. Time is of the essence when going from ventilator to traech. There is a small window of opportunity, If my dad wasn't strong enough or the oxygen levels weren't right, he would have to be on the vent tubes for the rest of his life. When I heard this I knew that this was not an option for him. That if he were to get better, he would whether on vent tubes or traech.

So here we are the morning after, my dad looks tired, but he is back down to 70% oxygen and numbers are looking good. He's still sedated but at least we can see his face without tape and he can mouth words with his lips. I still have hope for my dad, but I am also facing reality. It's a fine line to balance, but the Lord is helping me through this. I may only have short time with my dad. I try to come to terms with this every minute of the day. But no matter the sorrow I feel, I'm here with him giving him everything I can to comfort and bring a smile to his face. I remind him he's raised a great family and that 11 of us are awaiting his recovery that may or may not come. I tell him to let me take care him as he has continued to take care of me, up to the very day of his coming to the hospital. I tell him that I love him and to rest and get strong. He is a fighter. He has amazed me at his strength and his honor to still have his main concern to be about my mom, first and foremost, and then his family. This is my dad...and I love him.

I continue to pray throughout the day to give thanks to the Lord. He is our savior and has listened to the prayers being said for my dad.

faith patience and hope...all will be good in the end.

fighting in 2 separate place

Today I will be fighting in court and my dad will be fighting in the hospital. Although I will be somewhere else, my thoughts will be constantly with him. Nothing at this time is consuming my thoughts more than my dad. He and the Lord will be what gets me through today.

I love you dad. Continue to fight and be strong.

faith patience and hope....all will be good in the end

p.s. Don't break our promise dad...I'll fight today if you continue to.

update on my dad

the hardest decision my family had to make in my dads care,  was the one that we believe has saved his life.  He is by no means out of the woods yet.  But if he would have stayed on the Bi Pap mask for oxygen, we probably would have lost him already.  By him being on the ventilator it has given his body  the rest it needed to heal and get strong.  He has had two good nights and the oxygen level that was at 90% yesterday is now down to 70% today.  The goal is to get it to 40%.  He has been taken of the dopamine and is on the strongest most potent antibiotic possible.  This is the medical version of why he is still here.

I believe that my dad is still with us because the Lord has listened and continues to listen to the many prayers that have been said for him.  Prayer groups were set up for him and many others continue to pray for him.  The Lord listens to those in need and answers.  My dad would not be here today and continue to improve without him.  I continue to pray that the Lord knows my dad is still needed on this earth and is not ready to take him.  I hope that this is just a strong wake up call from God,  for a very stubborn old man who wasn't seeing the Lord's messages to him before.  Whatever the outcome of this shocking and heart wrenching situation is,  I know the Lord is in my life and will continue to be.  He accepts unperfect me and is patient while i learn my lessons from him.

Please continue to pray for my dad and pray for those you dont know and haven't met yet.  There are may in the hospital who are in the same situation that my dad is in and dont have the support that he has.  I include those people, who are unknown to me, in my prayers too.

god is god,  god is good.

faith patience and hope....all will be good in the end.

p.s.  i love my dad and am not ready to lose him.

My dad

I'm sitting in the hospital as my dad is undergoing a procedure to be put on a ventilator. This has really come as a shock to us, since it was only mentioned to us today that there could be a chance this may happen. And next thing we know, I get a call at 10 pm this evening telling us that we needed to decide if this was something that could be done. It had to be decided before our 20 min drive over. That's how dire a situation it had become. So we made a decision and off to the hospital we went. After speaking with the dr....my brother, mom and I made the decision to have my dad go on a ventilator. We were told his chances of coming off were slim and he might not be going home. He just might be spending the remainder of his days in CCU.  But with even that information, we knew his poor frail body could no longer go on the way it was. He let my mom know he was not afraid and he told me he loved me and that I was his daughter. I hope that this will not be the last time I hear those words from him. I love my dad and I'm not ready to lose him. God knows this and I hope he doesn't take him from me. I have faith and believe that god is god and god is good.  I still believe this.

faith patience and hope....all will be good in the end.

Belated Happy New Year!

Well...4 days into the new year already.   Days and nights go by so fast.  Hope everyone had a safe and wonderful beginning to what's going to be a fantastic and liberating year.  

I started to move into my new little place today.  Moving things in slowly.  i am waiting to hear if i will be able to get into my old house and pick up some pieces of furniture.  But, i have decided that if i can't, my son and i will make do with what we have and can borrow and not let anyone rain on our move.  So air mattress here i come.

I am asking that anyone who reads this to please say a prayer for my dad.  He caught a cold that has been passed around our household since the week before Christmas.  He already has compromised lungs from pulmonary fibrosis, so this cold has left him struggling for air.  He has been prescribed antibiotics and has been put on oxygen by his lung specialist.  He has lost a significant amount of weight in the past few months.  He struggles for air, that we take for granted everyday.  It saddens me to see my dad's health declining.  So please remember him in your prayers.

With that being said...I will again thank the Lord for my blessings.   Every single one of them.  And most important for the relationship that I have with him. 

faith patience and hope...all will be good in the end.


p.s.  YAY!!!!    i'm moving into my own place.